To help Gem calm down, we’ve decided to implement a bit of oriental philosophy, and we came up with Feng Shui for Cats. The concept of Feng Shui, we learned, is to live in a balanced environment, to attain spiritual harmony with oneself and others around us.

Ch’i - Life Force

Ch’i is life force and is good when encouraged to flow evenly throughout the house. SHA, which we decided must be Bad Ch’i, delivers adversity and misfortune, it is said. Upon contemplation, Gem is convinced that SHA must be responsible for hairballs and d*gs. Bad SHA!

Maximizing Energy

Developing good Feng Shui seems to be a matter of maximizing energy, which Gem endorses wholeheartedly. It is no wonder then, that the placement of one’s bed is of vital importance for attaining the goal of maximized energy.

There are several rules for bed placement that seem to have been designed specifically for cats:

Never place your bed under a window, as your Ch’i might escape while you sleep, and Ch’i is best kept circulating through the house rather than rushing in and out the window.

Don’t place your bed between two doors. Bad SHA might rush in through one door, envelope you, and then rush out the other (to say nothing of d*gs and strange cats).

Never allow your bed to be right next to a bathroom wall nor directly below a toilet. Bad yin energy from the toilet can cause loss of health and wealth and all kinds of other catastrophes. (We’re not entirely sure what yin energy is, but think it might be related to SHA.) Nonetheless, bad is bad.

Don’t let your bed be in a direct line with the door. It will allow all your energy and good luck to drain out through the door, along with your favorite toys and any hidden treats you’ve stashed away.

Wind and Water

Simply put, cats love neither, but since Feng Shui is sometimes translated as Wind and Water, Kitty will accept it for the sake of his spiritual harmony. Actually,Gem sez water is fine as long as it is contained in a goldfish bowl, but he’ll take his wind from the inside looking out, thankyouverymuch (unless it’s the wind he occasionally breaks in our bed at night).

Bad Feng Shui

There is a lot more to learn about Feng Shui. (One article said a very smart student, studying extensively for twenty years, might reach the first level of understanding.) We learned just enough to know that there is also a lot of bad Feng Shui, along with bad Ch’i, and shelves, mirrors and sharp corners all have a part in it. For that reason, we will avoid all of those. Frankly, all this study made us very sleepy, so we’re going to take a nap on my bed. By the way, the bed is between two windows, right next to the bathroom wall, and points directly to the fireplace, which has got to be bad Ch’i all around. We’re going to cuddle, though, so that our positive energy will flow back and forth between us, SHA be damned.

It may come as no surprise to you that Gem and I really don’t know anything about Feng Shui, but we’ve enjoyed this little exercise and hope you did too, and that you won’t report us to the Bad Feng Shui cops.

Good Ch’i to you and yours!